be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
