O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
