everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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