My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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