I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
