My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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