can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
