meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Less talking, more tequila
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
