I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
