So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
