I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
