so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
