he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
