I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
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Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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