Moan for me like Helen Keller
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
