I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
