You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
