I'm going to jail i love you
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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