Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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