I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
