Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
