a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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