so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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