I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
