the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
