I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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