i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My ass is underappreciated
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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