Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
