I looked at my own cervix.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
