Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
