I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
