I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
