I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
