I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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