He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
