If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I supernannyed him into submission
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
