4 words: hood of his car
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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