If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
