Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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