i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
