just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
