i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
