I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
