the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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