your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
