i was born a porn star she said
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
