My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
