Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
