I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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