Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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