I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
