I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
