Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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