mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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