apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
