It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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