I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
