two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
