He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
